Slut.
Noun. Someone who has acted in a way inviting, asking for, deserving
Rape.
Noun. Verb. Something that you should hide, act casual about, get over.

That's how I felt. That's how I feel.

It was study abroad. I was torn to pieces over my boyfriend. He had been deployed to Iraq and decided to end our relationship. I was still in love and I think he was too.

I thought the only way to make it through the loneliness was to seek as much external affirmation as possible. Sex. The boys in Mexico thought I was beautiful. It wasn't hard to find.

Word got around. A boy named Diego asked me on a date. I didn't like him all that much, but I said okay. Afterward we went drinking with his friends. He was on his phone the whole time. He asked me back to his place. I said okay.

We got in the door. He started taking off my clothes. I didn't really want to that much, but I guessed it was okay. I was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. I pulled back and told him "I don't want to have sex." He agreed. He took off my pants. I told him "I don't want to have sex." He said okay. He was on top of me and all over me. I started to realize what was happening. There was nothing I could do. I moved away from him trying to penetrate me. I wriggled. He did it anyway. I felt hopeless. It happened. It had already happened. I just let it. I am such a slut.

The next morning I tell my friends. I don't use the word rape. They do. They insist. "You were raped." But they're not my real friends. They're my study abroad friends. My real friends don't know. My family doesn't know.

I spent the loneliest months of my life there. My grandmother died and I cried on my own. I left to come back to equal amounts of loneliness. My best friends were studying abroad now. I was alone. I was realizing I was not straight. I was confused. I hated myself.

I met a girl. She said she was bi. She pushed me into a bathroom. She asked me to come home with her.

I did. Her boyfriend did too. I didn't want to touch him or for him to touch me. He didn't. I told her I didn't want to have sex. She said okay. She took off my pants. I told her I didn't want to have sex. She said okay and then pulled my underpants to the side. She was putting her mouth all over me. He was touching us. I let it happen for a moment because I was in shock. I told her to stop. She did and then she cried.

She said I made her feel like a slut.

Slut.
Noun. Someone who sexually assaults someone. Similar to
Rape.
Noun. Verb. Something only the victim gets to define and to
Forgive.
Verb. Something I'm close to doing.