Welcome to the SpeakOut! Blog

Break the silence that surrounds sexual assault, sexual harassment, interpersonal violence, relationship abuse, stalking, hate crimes, and identity-based violence. Share your story here on our anonymous blog.

To speak about an experience with any form of interpersonal violence is difficult, but it is also empowering. Breaking the silence reduces shame and helps others to speak out about their own experiences.

End the shame. Be empowered. Speak Out!

Thank you for Speaking Out! We would love to get your permission to share your testimonial. If you would like to allow your testimonial to be used at a later Speak Out!, please let us know by making a comment or a note in your testimonial.

We are holding our spring Speak Out! on April 16th, 2018 from 7-9 pm in The Pit. For more information, check our Facebook page.

Because this blog features stories of interpersonal and sexual violence, we offer this *content warning* as a way of caution. We also ask that you do not reproduce any of the content below, as the authors of these personal stories are anonymous, and cannot give consent for their stories to appear anywhere other than this blog or at a Project Dinah-led SpeakOut event.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

It’s a strange feeling because I was still pretty intoxicated and extremely exhausted when everything took place. Yet the details of the actual event will never leave my mind. No matter how hard I try I cannot repress them. I am not sure exactly how everything commenced. The only thing I remember is lying on the bed about to fall asleep. My body felt numb and nostalgic. I was lying on my stomach. One of the boys turned over my body and took off my belt. He then continued to remove my pants. I’ll never forget them saying that I was expecting something because I was not wearing undergarments. Little did they know this was a trend I had first tried when I was in ninth grade after seeing that my friends did it and it was something that stuck. It was not intended to be risqué because in my eyes no one was ever going to see me without my pants on anyways. To me it was just one less layer of clothing to ride up my behind. My body instantly went fully numb. It felt like I was a patient in surgery who is under novacane but wakes up midway through the surgery, and is unable to tell anyone that I can feel everything and stop them from continuing on with it. I couldn’t even tell you if he used a condom. All I remember is how badly it hurt and that one of the other boys put his penis in my face and continuously told me to give him Becky. Becky was a term from a song at them time which meant to give him head. I kept turning my head back and forth in order to keep his penis from touching my face, even though it didn’t work. I kept saying no and was grunting in discontent. Sadly, none of this stopped them. 

He flipped me over and continued to have sex with me. I lied there like a corpse, dead and cold. The other two boys sat in the doorway of the closet and watched the whole thing take place. I felt alone, petrified, and disoriented. I’m assuming my friend finally came out of the bathroom because they all left the room. I lay there, unable to move. But my torture wasn’t over. Another one of the boys came back in the room. He flipped me back over so that I was lying on my back and began to have sex with me. I remember him using a plastic grocery bag as a condom. Finally he left the room and I was eventually able to gather the strength to put on my pants and sit up. My whole body had felt numb as if it was entirely asleep. I was in a daze that I couldn’t get out of. One of the boys came back in the room and sat next to me on the bed. He asked me if I was going to tell the police. I was crying but shook my head and said no. He asked me again and after reassuring him that I wasn’t going to tell anyone he left me alone again. 

My friend came back in the room and said that they had hit him and told him that if we told anyone they were going to kill us. He also said that they told him I wanted it. However, he reassured me that they were gone. It was about five minutes after the incident that it hit me as to what had just happened. I immediately fell to the ground in a panic. I began balling crying as if I had just gotten the call that my family member had died. Yet it wasn’t a family member that had died, it was me. 

I was bleeding profusely and crying hysterically. At some point I fell asleep and woke up within the next couple of hours. I called my best friends too many times to even count. I was scared, upset and I didn’t know what to do. My friend awoke and said that he had watched me until I had fallen asleep, which was comforting. But it couldn’t make up for the events that had happened just hours prior. I waited until my best friend responded to my calls and texts telling me that I could come over to her house. I threw my two rings on the floor and left my friend’s apartment. 

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