Welcome to the SpeakOut! Blog

Break the silence that surrounds sexual assault, sexual harassment, interpersonal violence, relationship abuse, stalking, hate crimes, and identity-based violence. Share your story here on our anonymous blog.

To speak about an experience with any form of interpersonal violence is difficult, but it is also empowering. Breaking the silence reduces shame and helps others to speak out about their own experiences.

End the shame. Be empowered. Speak Out!

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We are holding our first fall Speak Out! in October 26th, 2016 from 7-9 pm in The Pit. For more information, check our Facebook page.

Because this blog features stories of interpersonal and sexual violence, we offer this *content warning* as a way of caution. We also ask that you do not reproduce any of the content below, as the authors of these personal stories are anonymous, and cannot give consent for their stories to appear anywhere other than this blog or at a Project Dinah-led SpeakOut event.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

I was sixteen then, bright and hopeful for my future as a student, but I was very lonely. Back in my previous school, I had no friends or anyone to talk to. I wanted to have someone who I could love and who would love me back. I had my parents with me, yes, but they were rarely emotionally supportive of me, so I wanted to look for support somewhere else.

Then, I saw him... a tall boy with blonde hair and icy blue eyes. I instantly was infatuated with him. He said he liked me and that he wanted to be there for me.

At first, everything was rosy and beautiful. He took me out on dates, and I would play the piano for him telling him how much I have loved him. Then things started to change. He started pressuring me to have sex with me, since we both loved each other very much. Due to being raised Catholic, I adamantly said no to him and he became more distant and stopped holding my hand or showing affection in public. He blamed me for the relationship going sour and told me that I was holding out on him and being a selfish girlfriend.

I felt so bad that I "failed" him that, one day, when I decided to play piano for him, I let him have sex with me. It became heated, and we ended up on the floor of the piano room; at first, I felt excited and loved for once in my life.... Then, I felt the sharp pain in my nether regions, and told him to stop, but to no avail. The pain was so much, and I just froze and could not scream for help. I pleaded with him to stop, but he said that it was wrong for me to stop him, and if I did not want sex, I should not have led him on.

I felt so terrible and hurt that I cried myself to sleep that first night. Even if I cried in my bed afterwards, I kept going back to him in hopes that he would love me. People have asked me, "Why did you not leave?", and all I have to say is that, during that time, all that mattered to me was feeling like I was loved for once. I did not know what love was, so for me, sex was the closest entity to it. 

The painful sexual experiences went on for two years until I came to UNC-Chapel Hill this year. At UNC, I felt that I would never ever find someone who would like a broken girl like me. But during my first few weeks here, I found out that sex can be a beautiful union between two people who love and respect each other, regardless of gender or sexuality. 

It is hard to fight the pain and struggle of not trusting anyone when you are in new relationships with people; however, I can assure anyone that there is still hope. Everyone deserved to be loved and respected. Just hold on, have hope, and remember that there are still good people in this world. 

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