I wasn't necessarily raped, although the select few individuals I have ever told about what happened, believe otherwise. My sexual past hurts me more than I can ever express.
I lost my virginity at 14 to a guy who was 19. I thought I loved him, but I absolutely didn't want to have sex. But he convinced me that if I loved him, I should have sex with him. So after the pressure of him wanting to have sex, I finally gave in. I can't even begin to describe the guilt and shame I felt after it happened. He was possessive and controlling and the worst, jealous. I didn't feel that I was able to have a life outside of him. After a year and a half of that, I finally ended it despite his threats to end his life if I left him.
Then I went on my first date after the break up. He was a Marine, who had already been overseas. He was 22 and I was 16. Our first date he tried to have sex with me. I said no, not yet. Yet again, I was being pressured to have sex with someone. In my mind, in order to make these guys like or love me, I had to do it. Whether I wanted to or not, it didn't matter. He wanted me and as a good girlfriend, I should give it to him. He was experienced, so if I didn't have sex with him, he would find another girl. One night, we had sex and he decided not to wear a condom. I assumed he would pull out. During sex, he informs me that he isn't going to pull out; he said he wanted to go inside me. I tell him no, that's not okay. Don't. But he does. So at 16, I am facing a possible pregnancy with a man who is 22. After I panic and cry, he manages to get a friend to buy the morning after pill for me. I beg to stay with him while I'm taking it because it can you very sick, but he leaves me. He breaks up with me to date the girl who got me the morning after pill.
Next, my best friend and I start dating two best friends. My best friend decides to have sex with her boyfriend. Then both her and her boyfriend pressure me to have sex with my boyfriend because they're having sex and we should too. Plus he wants to and he knows I'm not a virgin, so what's the problem? The problem is I don't want to, but of course that doesn't matter. One night, after he pressures me to give in, I do. Yet again instance in which I don't have to sex, but don't feel as though I have a choice. Things end between us.
I began talking to a guy who was in my circle of friends. He was a little older, but some of my friends had dated him and now we were all friends. One night, he texted me and asked me to just hang out. I didn't think anything of it, so I agreed. He picks me up and we go back to his house, where I discover his parents are out of town. We go upstairs to watch a movie and next thing I know, he is trying to have sex with me. Every reason I gave him for not wanting to, he rejected or tried to reason me out of. After he has pressured and rejected all of my reasons, I feel like it doesn't matter anymore. I tried to refuse, but it didn't work. So we had sex.
4 different guys who pressured me. 4 different guys who heard my reasons for not wanting to and ignored them. 4 different guys who didn't care what I wanted.
I live with shame and guilt for what happened. A million times, I think that I should have said no more forcefully. I should have made myself clearer. But lately, I've come to discover I can't blame myself for what happened. These guys should have been respectful of my wishes. When I told them why I didn't want to have sex, they should have listened, not forced me to do something against my wishes. I'm not the one responsible for what happened. They are. And it's time for me to finally set myself free from what they did.
