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Break the silence that surrounds sexual assault, sexual harassment, interpersonal violence, relationship abuse, stalking, hate crimes, and identity-based violence. Share your story here on our anonymous blog.

To speak about an experience with any form of interpersonal violence is difficult, but it is also empowering. Breaking the silence reduces shame and helps others to speak out about their own experiences.

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Because this blog features stories of interpersonal and sexual violence, we offer this *content warning* as a way of caution. We also ask that you do not reproduce any of the content below, as the authors of these personal stories are anonymous, and cannot give consent for their stories to appear anywhere other than this blog or at a Project Dinah-led SpeakOut event.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

“Every time you see him, you smile” That was the words that my mother told me when and if I see him. How could you smile at the person who changed your life forever, created the deepest wound in your heart that is currently still healing? It was my first time, and it was the first year of college. It was truly a college experience. I still don’t know how to feel, whether to be angry, to cry, to be sad, to scream, to love or to lie. I don’t know and today I am still searching for me, and the part that gives me deepest joy and the deepest sorrow is that I will never get me back. I’ve changed from this experience and will never be the same again. I feel like damage goods because someone decided to force the package open.
I trusted him, and I knew him. He told me that he is falling for me and that he is in love with every part of me. He was the sweetest guy and the worst part is, he was the only and is the only guy to this day who understands me. I didn’t think it could happen to me, I thought that it wouldn’t be him, but it was. Actually, about 90% of rape survivors know their attackers so it could happen to me, I just did not see it coming. I wish I could rewind the hands of time, but that was then this is now.
Now, I have grown through the situation and matured from it even though I am still healing. Through friends and family, and the wonderful help that I received from UNC, I was able to make it because without them, I do not think I would be living right now. Many people do not realize that this is a traumatic experience that takes years to heal. It takes time to heal, but time heals the wound, it does not remove the scar that is left in its place. Relationships, friendships, the idea of love, this thing called trust, will never be the same as I thought about it before. How do I expect someone to understand? When do I know when it’s the right time to tell someone? Do I even tell? I don’t know… what would you do? And unless you’ve been through it, you cannot understand nor do I ever want someone to understand so the worst thing you could EVER say to a rape victim is “I would have…” because you never know. This attitude, questions, and ideas that come up on a daily basis is something we have to fight and hear EVERY DAY. And this justice systems of ours, blames us not them. Therefore, we have to face them, we have no other choice even if he does not think that he did that to me and gave me a fake apology when he realize the potential trouble he could get into. So I smile when I see him so that he knows that I am growing and moving on, and I smile even though I am still bleeding from the emotional pain. I smile because that is all I have left.

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