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Break the silence that surrounds sexual assault, sexual harassment, interpersonal violence, relationship abuse, stalking, hate crimes, and identity-based violence. Share your story here on our anonymous blog.

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Because this blog features stories of interpersonal and sexual violence, we offer this *content warning* as a way of caution. We also ask that you do not reproduce any of the content below, as the authors of these personal stories are anonymous, and cannot give consent for their stories to appear anywhere other than this blog or at a Project Dinah-led SpeakOut event.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Unfortunately through an acquaintance who lived in my apartment met this post doc. Initially for some reason I ignored him and after my acquaintance graduated the post doc befriended me. My mind said don't talk, don't smile, but somehow I started talking with him.

He texted and asked me if I would like to buy groceries and took me to Indian store- his roommates were with us. I began being comfortable, ignored whatever my brain had told me before. The next week, he invited me over to his apartment because 'he was scared to be there alone since his roommates were not there'. I went, we had coffee, talked about research, school, life, he seemed nice. I started liking him.

From then on I started spending time with him watching movies, cooking meal together and so on. He slowly began spoiling my confidence- he told me that I am fat, no one will hire me, told me I look ugly, my clothes are really bad, etc. He started his "Hot and Cold campaign" where he will make me feel bad and later would apologize or come over or meet me to make up for it. I felt worthless, started to look upon him for everything- I would ask him if its OK to eat this, wear this shirt, proof read my e-mails before I send them, etc. He told me that he has had sex over 500 times with various girls and I was surprised because he appeared really nice, he asked me if I had any, I said I would like to save it for my husband. Then he questioned my girlishness and said I am a lesbian because I never engaged in any sexual activity nor had a boyfriend. I told him I am from the culture where parents want their kids only to study and not have boyfriends and added that I also went to all girls University. He laughed.

There was these 2 weekends- labor day weekend and a weekend after that when none of my roommates were home and I was so scared on that labor day weekend because my phone could not be recharged. I requested him to spend time with me at my apartment- he refused, then came over and would be very nice. The next weekend, I had my qualifying exam scheduled the next Monday. He made me drink beer (that was first alcoholic beverage that I ever had) that Saturday the Sep 6, 2014 and then talked non-stop all about studies and time was past midnight when he asked me to sleep over stating that we both were drunk therefore it is not safe for me to walk to my apartment. He then switched off the lights and shortly after pulled his study table drawer, took something in his hand and pulled my long pajama pants along with my panties. I said I don't want this, begged him to stop, he quickly wore the condom while I still asked him not to, raped me, pushing blanket inside my mouth when I screamed. When done, he turned the lights on had a smile on his face and said there was blood on it and sealed the condom in a freezer bag and threw in a carton which he uses as a trash can. I was crying- he told me to go wash my parts because there are "condom chemicals" which will hurt me. I cried, he hugged me and said this is how the first sex will be and gave me milk to drink and sleep. He added that I should mark this day- the day for the first time I had beer and sex.

The next morning everything seemed so normal, he made coffee for me, washed his blanket, pillow cover and bed cover (which he washed the day before), cut his nails and asked me to shower because I looked dull. The same evening I asked him what did he do the night before- he smiled and said 'I wanted what I gave you. If you go and tell others about it you will be ashamed because no guy can rape a fat girl'. I was shattered and broken.
Even this day that has not left me, I have night mares, my basic sense of trust is broken, I don't want to be noticed and above all the school found him 'not responsible for any policy violation' which makes me feel dumped. Finally here I am, wasted a year's time, still in shock, surviving with PTSD, my colorful dreams are now far unreachable with a last chance to find my PI if not I will be failed and thrown out of school.

-A survivor struggling to live.

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