Everyone says that i should feel lucky. Everyone says call yourself a survivor because that is what you are. Everyone says don't worry one day you wont even think about it anymore. Everyone says you can get through this you are strong. Well they are wrong. They don't know what this feels like. No matter how many times i try to explain. They don't flinch when a man they don't know really well touches them. They don't get paranoid whenever a man is near them on the bus or at the grocery store. They are not afraid of having sex with someone. That's because i have gone through something they haven't. I was raped twice when i was 17 years old. I don't remember much about the timing. Things are blurry and foggy. I suppressed the memory for so long that i forgot details. I do remember how i felt. What he did. And how it effects me now. I remember being at his house because i thought he was a friend. I remember getting bored so we made out for a bit. He said he wanted to take a shower. So he left the room but i wanted more so i followed. When i got in the shower with him that's when things got violent. He took me by the arms and forced me against the wall of the shower. I tried to speak but I couldn't. I tired to say stop i tried to say no. In my head i was thinking what is happening? Then he did something that i will never ever be able to forget. He forced himself inside my butt. He kept going even after i screamed from pain. He didn't stop. So i went limp i let him continue. He took me by my neck and pulled me out of the shower and through me on the floor. Where he continued until he was done. He made things happen that i never knew could happen and i just waited. When he was done he cleaned up the mess on the floor and went back to his room. I put my clothes on and left. I was confused. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I never told anyone what happened on that day until last year. I was scared. I wasn't even sure if it was actually rape considering i followed him into the bathroom and I originally consented. It happened again a few months later with a different man. That too i also kept secret.  I want every woman out there who has been through what i have to know you are not alone. You can get through this. It may take time and it will be hard but you can do it. Don't do what i did. Don't suppress the memory. Don't hide it. Don't take it all on yourself. Find someone you love and trust and they will help guide you. You have the strength