Me too.
I haven’t posted that on Facebook yet, but me too. I used to be very open about being a survivor, but now I tend to not disclose. I’m worried now that people see me as the domestic violence girl or the one who’s always harping about consent. I am worried people don’t see me as the girl I was before the assault. I am also worried that I am not the girl I was. I’m now the girl with PTSD, the girl with the “crazy ex”, and the girl who won’t walk home alone at night and always carries her pepper spray. Even though it wasn’t an “attack” or by a stranger. It was a guy I loved, maybe still do love?… I’m now the girl who was in love with a guy who beat me, raped me, stalked me, and tried to kill me. I worry that is who I am when I tell people I am a survivor. I’m worried that is all they will see. Do you see the cool shit I do? Do you see I am funny, smart, and driven? Do you see who I am, beyond what happened to me? I am not what happened to me. I commend the bravery of those that were able to post “me too”. But I don’t want to out myself anymore. I feel like every time I tell someone I’m a survivor it feels like a confession. It feels like I’m admitting to something wrong that I did. It makes me feel dirty. I don’t want to feel like that but I don’t know how to feel. I just don’t want to be the “survivor” anymore, I just really want to be me.
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