If you've been to a previous Speak Out, you've heard my story before. You have heard about the years I spent in an abusive relationship where I was stalked, beaten, raped, and threatened. I survived that. I made it through. But I did not realize I would have to survive it all over again. When I came to college, I was coming from a strict and conservative family. One of the first things I did was download Tinder and decide to finally explore my sexuality and casually date. For the most part, it was a lot of fun. I was happy to meet people and it was fun to try new things out. Except for one time. He was a senior, maybe a junior? Regardless, an upperclassman. I'm sure he knew what he was doing going after first-years who just got to campus - and not that I was innocent or virginal or any other thing like that - and not that that matters. But I know he knew he was the cool, experienced older guy who could get me drinks and I could come chill at his apartment. He was (or is? I honestly don't know if he's graduated or not) in some improv comedy group on campus. He had a lame sense of humor that honestly grated my nerves. The type of guy who thought the height of comedy was puns. He insulted my knowledge of comedy and said my favorite stand-up comedians were bad...all the while his greatest jokes were those play on words. He was not my type. But I was trying new things? Maybe I was trying to find a new "type" because the last guy was such a shitty type. That aside, I still decided to go over to his apartment in Courtyard Lofts where he mentioned it was expensive but he can afford it, and he's smart because he's out of state. He was not hesitant to compliment himself. I felt in over my head as soon as I walked in the door. There was a giant bong on the coffee table and empty beer cans all over the floor. I had never even been drunk before but he poured me a too-strong Jack and Coke. We decided to watch a movie...so netflix and chill...but I had actually wanted to watch the movie. Instead, about five minutes in, he tries to roll on top of me and kiss me. Well kissing is fine. I like kissing. But in the middle of it, I felt his hand on my head and him pushing me down. I looked up, trying to give the signal that no, I don't want this, but he smirked and pushed a little harder. "I'm not really feeling that. Sorry" I said and tried to get up. He thought he could talk me into it and even paused the movie to have a conversation about why I should suck his dick. I basically just gave in after about a half an hour into his sales pitch for a blowjob. It was disgusting. I felt like I was going to throw up and it tasted like bad cheese. Yeah, I'm not gonna spare that detail because it was honestly one of the grossest experiences in my life. He held my head down until he finished. Then he graciously walked me to the bus stop. I haven't shared this story before because I had refused to acknowledge I have been assaulted twice. But I have. I am a double survivor but that's a trophy-less feat. Unless you count the shame, the nightmares, the anxiety, and the distrust I have felt by those two assaults. Anyways, I just want to say: Cheese Dick, you don't get to talk people in to sex. You don't get to push someone's head down and force them to do what you want. You don't get to manipulate people and you certainly don't get to assault people.