March 9th.
That’s when it happened. That’s when I was sexually assaulted. Less than 3 weeks after I was dumped by an insensitive ass of ANOTHER ex-boyfriend.
He knew I was hurting and he knew what it meant to be hurt by keith. He knew.
Why did I keep hanging around him and why did I not run away from him? But I figured it would be okay. So I kept hanging around him and I kept talking to him and I told him that I didn’t want him anymore like that. Just because I dated him once a long time ago, I didn’t want to date him again and I didn’t want sex with him. Someone else had just broken my heart.
But it just happened. He just assumed that’s what I wanted. He assumed that I wanted to be with him and he knew HE knew how to turn me on and I was there and he was drunk so it was okay now.
And I didn’t know what to do and I never know what to do and I second guess myself and then I was just lying there waiting till I knew what to do. And it happened again. And again. And finally I tried to stop it. He kept coming into the room. And I tried to roll over and sleep again but he would come in again and he would scare me and I didn’t know what to do.
And I was already hurting so bad. Why did this have to happen so soon after the other!? Why? I didn’t do anything wrong. I tried to do everything right with keith and that just failed miserably and I was left with a sense of how worthless I was because he didn’t want me. And then shawn wanted me and I felt worthless because it didn’t matter what I wanted. Again. It never matters what I want and I can’t get away from that. Even when I try to be happy and when I think I’ve found happiness it goes away. Why I can’t I be happy and why can’t I do things right and what did I do to deserve this?