I wrote the entry “I feel like whenever bad things happen” about a year and a half ago. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing everything you’re “supposed to” as far as trying to deal with sexual violence. I have talked to some of my friends; I have gone to talk to a therapist. I can tell that things have changed for me. Sometimes I still feel like I can’t trust any guy. Sometimes I feel like I’m right back where I started. Sometimes I feel like it happened to someone else. Sometimes I actually feel like there is another side beyond all of this.

I wish that I could talk about it more. I wish I could walk around unafraid to say “this happened to me.” Usually I just try not to think about it anymore. But what happens when I want to have sex again? Will it all come back again? I wish more people could understand how dramatically this alters your worldview and your ideas about sexuality. There’s always this constant struggle between letting it define you or not. Do you try to just get as far away as possible from it? Do you try to take control over it?

I wish I could forget this experience more than anything, but sometimes I wonder what I’m supposed to do with it. I can’t believe how many people have similar experiences. While none of them are the same, they are all related. I feel like I can’t pretend that this didn’t happen to me when I know how many people are affected so strongly. I don’t know how to do anything except write another blog post at this point…how can we get through this?