I was always sober, and I was in love. But I was NOT ready. Not even close. And I told him that, he said he understood. But he always brought it up, he made me explain myself again and again until my reasons for wanting to wait sounded flimsy and overdone and illegitimate. He made me question myself, my values, my morals, everything until I decided that making him happy was more important to me than anything else.
All that stupid boy had to do was pout, and he'd get whatever he wanted out of me. For a while I even believed it was what I wanted - but the fact that I was crying at the drop of a hat and couldn't tell even my best friend why I was so depressed all the time because I was so ashamed of what I was doing quickly brought me back.
When I told him I wanted to stop what we were doing, he guilted me into feeling like I was the one ruining our relationship. I remember crying my eyes out on his couch trying to make him understand how he was literally destroying me, but he believed we just couldn't be together without the physical stuff.
What kills me is that I almost left that day. I made it all the way to my car but he came outside and told me that he loved me, and we were supposed to be together forever, and all those things I used to want to hear. So it continued for a few more months.
The really painful part is that I can't see how this isn't my fault - why couldn't I have been stronger and said "no." When he threatened to leave me for being too uptight, why couldn't I just let him leave. When he told me that going off to separate colleges would make it too hard for him to stay loyal, that he would most likely cheat on me because I'd never give him any, why couldn't I tell him to go to hell and run as far away as I could from him. Why was I such a weak idiot.
I used to be so honest and open with everyone around me. I used to be simple and innocent and beautiful. But since him, I feel disgusting. And I can't let anyone in, because I feel like I have to be the detached one, to be on the offensive so that I never get taken advantage of. And my story is nothing compared to some of the other ones out there, and I feel pathetic and small for posting it here. I know that things could have been so much worse, that worse things happen to young women every single day.
But I feel permanently altered by these stupid and completely avoidable events of my life- I still cry about it - and that relationship ended (thankfully) about a year ago. What I feel must be only a fraction of what other women feel, and it is amazing that you all are strong enough to talk about it. Seeing how strong women can be and knowing that programs like this are out there make me confident that I WILL be able to say "no" in the future.