Tuesday, January 26, 2010
When it first happened I didn't even know what to call it because I never thought I would be a victim of rape. I didn't want people to think that I was weak. I just don't know what to do because, no matter what I am not satisfied with the situation between him and I. It is as if I need something to be done so I will not have to use my blog as an outlet to say what is on my mind. I have not told any of my family because I don't know what they will do. He tries to make it seem as if I am doing something wrong because I write about it on my blog. I don't think I am wrong I just don't like how he can try to live this life that he lives after what he did to me. I am just so hurt because I really did think he was my friend and then he just did what he did. It's so weird because I can remember exactly how everything happened from beginning to end. The most that I remember is laying there with my phone in my hand trying to think "if I call Chavez will he answer?" or me leaving and as soon as I got back to my room I took a shower and I look at my phone and I have text messages from him saying "I am so sorry". Yeah I cried myself to sleep that night. I just don't know how I should handle this. I know how a juror must feel when they have to sentence someone to the death penalty It's like you are fighting yourself. I just always thought I would be the type of person that would report it like I remember reading the sign on the RU "1 in 4 women are a victim of sexual assault" and I would think "nope not me I refuse to be a statistic and if does I will report it" but its like I can't handle knowing that someone's life is in my hands. I guess I am weaker then I thought I just feel like I should hate him but the whole "love thy brother" is getting to me. I want to forgive but what does that mean how should I do it? I just don't know how to handle the fact that "Dang they know and they don't believe me" I don't like how his friends act funny when I'm around. I don't like that I feel that they might have conversations about me being a liar. I just try to act as if it doesn't bother me but it does because I trust people so much but when it is time for people to believe me I left to be crucified. I guess the fact that I didn't turn him in makes it seem like I am lying but if I was brave enough I would if I wasn't scared of having his family and friends hating me I would. If I didn't have to worry about my family finding out believe me I would.