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Because this blog features stories of interpersonal and sexual violence, we offer this *content warning* as a way of caution. We also ask that you do not reproduce any of the content below, as the authors of these personal stories are anonymous, and cannot give consent for their stories to appear anywhere other than this blog or at a Project Dinah-led SpeakOut event.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

On this past new year's eve, I went to my best guy friend's house to celebrate; of course alcohol was involved. We decided to go to his neighbor's house, a girl he had known since they were both in diapers. Of course I trusted him to take care of me around his neighbor and her friends, people I had never met. I only remember having two drinks before we went back to his house, but I could barely walk. I don't understand why I was so far gone after only two drinks.

He drove me back to my house to get another bottle of vodka, because one of our friends was going to be joining us later. I thought I must have drank most of the bottle we already had, why else would I be so wasted? But it was only a quarter empty. On the way back it was midnight, and he kissed me. It was not the innocent smooch I had asked for, but I was too trashed to care and just went along with it. I barely remember it, but I know it happened.

The next morning I woke up and could only remember one thing that had happened since midnight, and even then it's blurry, but I remember what me and my "friend" had done together. We hadn't had sex, but we had done enough. I was horrified and angry, and once he realized that I wasn't sober like he claimed he thought I was, he was horrified too. I tried to joke about it because that's my way of dealing with things, but inside I felt dirty, used, and disgusting. I had no sexual experience at all prior to this, because I was waiting for the right person. Now I have this.

I can't bear for him to touch me now. We hardly even talk. He says that night I told him I had feelings for him, that he thought I wanted what we did. But I don't remember those conversations, and I know that I did not want my first sexual experiences to be with him. I'm not in love with him, and I believe it's wrong when you don't love the person. And he knew that, he knew my beliefs, but his newly revealed feelings for me clouded his judgment.

We have both come to the conclusion that his neighbor or one of her friends gave me some kind of drug. That's the only explanation for me vomiting all night, which I have never done while drinking (incidentally, he told me he'd "had to" give me a bath, which I also can't remember); and my willingness to do sexual things with my friend while his grandparents are across the hall and my other friend is sleeping in the next room.

You would think that knowing he didn't mean to do it would help, but it doesn't. It doesn't make me feel any less damaged. It doesn't make me feel any less that he took something from me that I was saving for somebody that I loved. "I didn't mean to" doesn't help me at all, and it won't help us get our friendship back. I tried to explain to him how I want to believe him, but the fact that I can't remember anything makes it really hard; that someone who I thought knew what kind of woman I was, would think it was really me doing those things.

Does this count as an assault story? I don't really know. I feel like I've been assaulted. I feel that same fear and shame that I imagine many women feel when their body, the only thing that is truly theirs, is taken and used by someone. I wonder how many women who know the person who hurt them, have heard him say, "I didn't mean it, I thought you wanted it." Probably too many. I'm sure many people would say that I am partially to blame, or that you can't blame the guy entirely if he really didn't know. Maybe they're right, but it doesn't change my experience (at least what I remember of it). It doesn't help me.

I posted this because I don't know the answer to all these questions of Am I really a victim? or Who is to blame, if anyone? Maybe there are other women out there who've had a similar experience. I posted this for you because I hope this can help anyone out there who feels just as alone as I do right now. I hope it helps.

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